BLISSFUL DYN

Butterfly

2010-04-11T19:43:00.006+01:00

"How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." - Trina Paulus

My life has changed so much since I last updated this blog. I don't really know what or how it happened, all I know is that one day I woke up. And somehow, I took a tiny little baby step towards myself, and it felt good. So I took another and another, and suddenly walking felt so freeing that I couldn't help it but jog. When jogging was not enough I ran, and the speed was scary but I couldn't stop… then I stumbled… but before I could fall, I decided to jump.

Everything was suspended for a while. There was silence, fear, sadness, doubt and guilt. Oh so much guilt… how could I leap like that, so selfishly towards myself and leave everything behind? But I did, and I had, and I have fallen into an incredibly fast river of downstream bliss. It's like I'm in a raft without any oars and life is taking me faster an faster, unstoppably, towards me. So many things have just HAPPENED. It has been hard, it has been scary, my god it has been tough. I have so many cuts and bruises, and sleepless nights and bouts of seemingly endless tears. I have hurt so many people in the way, I have done things that I'd never thought I'd do.

But I have learned that when I choose the only relationship that matters, I have me and I am enough, and there can be no looking back anymore because no matter how hard it has been to give up being a caterpillar, I have finally learned how to use my wings and I cannot not fly.

SLIGHTLY BUSY

2009-05-24T20:59:00.005+01:00

Well. I have a blog! Which I love. With readers! Which I actually love too! Apologies for the lack of updates. Thing is, my work goes from this:

To this:

On a daily basis. I am stupid busy and also tired, but I'm going to tell you something. I am happy. Somehow, in the middle of it all, I have become that person who is bizarrely always happy. Smiling. Singing. Loving life. I am that person who people want to 'shut up already' because "sheesh woman! Life is not that good". But it is! Oh it is.

More on that later.

#9 SEAGULLS

2009-04-19T10:40:00.004+01:00

Just a few steps from the flat where we live, there is a series of canals where you can find diverse members of the British fauna. My current favourite are the seagulls, which I can also constantly see flying in the sky outside my window if I sit in the right position on the couch.

For the four months I found myself unemployed, I would go on a walk every day to try and fight the cabin fever. And there they were, always managing to look calm and happy standing there on every single available nook and cranny, but going into a hilarious upheaval at the slightest sign of food availability.

They're greedy, catching crumbs mid air, not letting ducks get a single bite, but I love them anyway. I love to see them sleeping, standing on the rails one after the other. I love when they push each other out of the way with a flustered 'eeeee' to prove their point. I love when they circle around the water, seeming so blissful and free, like there is no care in the world because they are in the now, flying. I love the sound they make, even when it wakes me up sometimes too early in the morning.

But the thing I love the most, is knowing they are mine, my seagulls to see and hear and appreciate. They are not something I need to share with anyone, I don't need anybody to agree that they are amazing for me to be able to love them. And they don't need me to love them to be happy either. They are just so free. When I leave this house, this is the best memory I will take with me, the memory of peace, of having company during those lonely despairing months, of being free, just because I could fly.

TO JOB OR NOT TO JOB

2009-04-11T22:29:00.000+01:00

Thank you everybody for all your comments on my job situation. I still haven't officially decided what's going to happen, but so far my decision is more inclined towards not taking the job. I get up at 5 a.m. and come back at 8 pm. I am exhausted beyond words. I come home and I don't have the energy to even talk to my poor husband. I just want to zone out in front of the tv and forget life exists.

I know from experience that this leads to a handful of problems: I will become frustrated and bitter, I will start hating to go there, hating to wake up, hating my employers, and hating myself. I've been there and done that and this is not who I am anymore. I don't think life is one of sacrifices and endurance. Life is meant to be fun. We are meant to do what feels good. So far, this job is not feeling good. No amount of money justifies that.

So we'll see what happens. Husband finally got some freelance work, and I am estimating that between both our jobs, we will have around 3+ more months of savings. Anything can happen in 3 months. If it doesn't, there is always the option of going to Mexico. I've made peace with that too. Life is good no matter where. All is well.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

2009-04-05T17:03:00.003+01:00

So. This work thing, has a little disadvantage. The commute is two hours each way, and there is no public transport from the train station to the office. So it means a £10 cab. Each way. (I don't have a car).

At the moment, I'm catching a ride with the Logistics Director who picks me up 20 minutes away from home at 6:30 am. Which is not too terrible except the ride back is usually at 7:00 pm which means I've been doing 12 hour shifts. If I want to leave earlier, I either need to catch a ride with someone else (I have had no luck so far) or I need to fork up the money for the cab. Plus, it being a two hour trip, means I would get home at the same time than if I just stayed at the office and waited for my ride.

On Friday, the MD of the Company said I should see how it works for me for this month, but that they will probably contemplate making me an offer to stay on permanently. To be very honest, I don't love the job. It's not awful or anything, but it's not as amazing as my last workplace. But it is a job in a recession and it would pay the bills. I should also mention that the money is just ok. Not great.

So what would you do?

I SORT OF, MAYBE, KIND OF, SOMEHOW HAVE A JOB

2009-04-01T19:50:00.002+01:00

It's a long story. When I first came to London, I started to work for this little company. And a few weeks in, it was bought by a big company. As time went on, loads of people disagreed with Big Company and left, including me. So I moved on in my life to work for ex-workplace which loved with all my might. And then I lost my job.

Turns out, some of the guys from Little Company, decided to create a New Company. Which is exactly the same, except it hasn't been bought by anybody yet, so it's still lovely and charming. And it's getting a bit big, so they need help while they become steady and get all the processes and systems in place. And they asked me to help. And I am.

So the job is only for 4 weeks, but the work is very familiar, and I already know everybody so it's kinda almost fun.

Yay for me!

I'M STILL ALIVE!

2009-03-21T13:00:00.004Z

And so is Rupert!

If you look closer you can see it has two new shoots coming up, and it seems to be perfectly healthy and happy. I a m soo glad I can keep this bit of my ex-workplace. Woooo.

I am aware I have not updated this for a month. I have been dealing with a roller coaster of emotions, and haven't felt like saying much. Sorry about that. Things are okay. We are considering going back to Mexico, if things don't get better and I have been making peace with that. Whatever happens we will be allright.

I CHALLENGE YOU TO HAVE A BETTER STORY

2009-02-13T17:08:00.005Z

He was having a meeting nearby, and had agreed to have lunch with me at our place. I had gone out in the morning with my Aunt, and called him to let him know I was on my way. He sounded happy, urging me to get there soon, he was on his way too.

As I approached the door, I saw there was a post-it note on it. "You are always asking, so here they are", it read. I was baffled. I had absolutely whatsoever no idea of what this meant. Had he left a note for the cleaner? Did he lose his keys again?

I opened the door to find a single balloon in the hallway. Attached to it's streamer was a second post-it note.

"100 things I love about you".

I looked up. The living room was bursting with coloured balloons. There seemed to be hundreds of them, each with a note attached. Each with a reason to love me.

I froze. Tears came. I didn't know what to do, it was beautiful, lovely, sweet, and I was just blown away.

He came out from behind a door with the last ballon in his hand. My ring was tied to the streamer and the note read: "Because you make me want to marry you" And then he kneeled.

We have never done Valentine' s day. We don't need to.

MY 25 THINGS

2009-02-12T17:08:00.001Z

1. I shower with unbelievably hot water.

2. I was 29 the first time I touched snow, 31 the first time I saw an actual
snowfall. I think it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

3. I don't think I could live without chocolate.

4. I am not a morning person, yet my favourite part of the day is the morning.

5. Subsecuently, my favourite meal of the day is breakfast.

6. When I was 18, I mistakenly thought I wanted to be a chef. I did a degree on something different and I've been working on that field for 7 years, yet most people still think I am a chef.

7. I don't enjoy cooking that much.

8. I really enjoy baking, though.

9. I am thinking of changing careers, and I reserve the right to change as many times as I wish.

10. I believe in Law of Attraction.

11. I really wish I knew how to draw. I would love to have a sketchbook full of interesting stuff.

12. I did not understand Spring, until I experienced winter in London. (It has made me appreciate winter)

13. I love to learn new things, and throw myself into them.

14. Loads of people ask me what I miss the most about Mexico. I always surprise myself by the answer: The Sun. (Obviously after Family and Friends!)

15. I 'found' myself in London. It sounds really corny but it's the greatest gift this adventure has given me.

16. The weirdest New Year's resolution I have made (and kept for the most part) is to give up complaining. It has yielded surprising results

17. I have very thin finger nails. They break and fold backwards very easily.

18. The most important thing I have ever learned is that it's not situations in life that bring happiness, it's you. I am responsible for my own happiness, and so are you. (Yes, I am talking to you)

19. I love to read. Strangely I tend to go either for the shallow chick-lit, or the deep spiritual-growth books.

20. When I find a good book, I cannot put it down or stop thinking about it.

21. I am a really good procrastinator.

22. My current lesson in life is patience. I'm getting there, but it has taken me years of practice.

23. I like to watch my husband play on his xbox. I hate playing on it myself.

24. I am afraid of becoming one of those New-age-namaste-to-you-raw

-vegan-I-do-yoga-and-hug-trees person. Re-reading my 25 things has made me realise I am becoming one.

25. Oh, who am I kidding? I am a tree-hugger.

PS. Thank you for all your concerns. I am ok, just going through a period of writer's block. I sit here every day wanting to write, and nothing comes out. Hopefully I'll be back soon posting more consistently.

FOURTH PHOTO

2009-02-03T20:35:00.003Z

I'm still not feeling very cheery or inspired. But Firegirl tagged me for this meme, and it gives me a lovely excuse to update!!!

Rules as follows:

1. Go to the the 4th folder where you keep your pictures on your computer.

2. Post the 4th picture in the folder.

3. Explain the photo.

4. Tag 4 fellow bloggers to join in the fun!

This is one of my favourite pictures in the whole world. Husband and I were sort of exploring Blackheath around this time last year, and came across this bench that seems to be in the middle of nowhere. He took a set of pictures of me sitting on it, and I just love how they came out!

It was relatively warm for February and we ended up having Italian food in a lovely restaurant near there. It was a wonderful day.

I'm not tagging anyone. Instead, I will implore you to send me questions or tag me on more memes to see if it helps me get out of this writing funk. What would you like to know about me?

WALLOWING

2009-01-30T15:25:00.002Z

Hi, I'm still here. I've just been a bit sad because of this cold, and not having a job for 3 months, and realizing it's almost February, our savings are going to run out OMG! And where is my life going? What is the point in living in a cold country when I could be in sunny Mexico and living in my own apartment where I wouldn't have to worry about paying rent?

So. Sorry about the lack of updates.

Will update more when I'm feeling a bit less whiny.

HOW TO EAT HEALTHIER.. THE LAST LECTURE.

2009-01-24T18:34:00.004Z

I'm tired of my lectures. Eating healthy is a SUBJECT for me he he so I could go on and on about it, but it needs to stop. Life is short.

So yesterday I said if I were to want to eat healthier I would first eliminate preservatives from my diet, and then strive for my 5 a day (3 of them veg portions) and after doing these two changes for a while, and i mean at least 6 months if not a year, then I would try to reduce my portion sizes.

We eat too much. If you ask any nutrition expert they will tell you we eat way too much protein and fat. This is because we are so used to value for money. We want. A lot. And I think these times call for a better spread of food across the world, you know?

A couple of months after I first came to London, I remember there being a celebratory birthday cake at work, and when they took it out I was just astounded at the size. It was, was, uh, the size of a Costco Muffin! A whole cake! Cut into 8 pieces! I took my portion and wallowed in the corner thinking it was just pitiful. I could have eaten the whole thing thinking it was made for only 2 people.

As time went by, I stopped thinking cakes here are small, and I am not hungry after having only a sandwich for lunch, or having a meal at a restaurant. When I went back to Mexico, not only could I not finish any of the dishes I would previously devour in my favourite restaurants, but I was also impressed by the amount of food people actually eat, thinking it is normal. Eating too much food (regardless of your weight) is not very good for the digestive or lymphatic system and if you eat a lot in general, chances are you are eating a lot of sat fat (which raises your cholesterol) and sugar (which can lead to other diseases such as diabetes).

I find it weird that when I go to a restaurant with bigger portions, no matter how much I tell myself that my plate is easily 2 portions, I still finish the food. I don't know why the mind works like that, but I think that is the problem. Culture telling you that supersizing your meal is value for money AND it's one portion is what makes us think it's okay to eat that much junk food. So if I were to advice anybody how to eat healthier, I would recommend they slowly try to eat with moderation and reduce their portion sizes. Buy smaller plates. Split your muffins in half. In time you will get used to eating less, and less of junk food is already eating healthier, right?

My last advice is don't be so radical. Loads of people say 'that is it, no more doughnuts/pizza/ice cream/butter ever!' And then 3 weeks into it, they discover life is too sad without these things and just go back to how they did things. I don't think one should never ever enjoy 'junk' food ever again. Just do it in moderation, you know? Once in a while. And for you, once in a while may 3 times a week instead of 7, or it may be only on weekends or once a month or once a year. Maybe you start with 3 times a week and 6 months late reduce it to 2, etc. Strive to be healthy most of the time and you will be fine.

Okay, I am going to shut up now.

HOW TO EAT HEALTHIER

2009-01-22T14:57:00.005Z

Hey! I am sorry for not updating after promising I would write the second part soon. I had stuff to do which I will probably also blog about soon too.

There are a lot of opinions out there about diets and detoxing and what you should be eating and not be eating, green smoothies, radical approaches etc. I don't want to make this post about that, because google has enough information as it is, but I do want to say what works for me. But I also want to note that I am aware that what works for me may not work for you, so by no means think this is the only way of doing things.

For me, the best way to approach eating healthier is to treat it like exercise: Start with something doable and build up from there. You can't go from being a couch potato to running a marathon overnight right? You have to slowly train yor body to respond, and grow and enjoy the movement, and I have found that the same thing goes for food. Slowly.

The first thing I would do is reduce the amount of preservatives in my diet.
Most processed food in American Countries (America is a Continent) is just chuck full of additives. In my opinion, it's worse to eat a small low fat, low cal, full of unpronounceables microvaved meal than to eat a huge organic steak with potatoes and loads of butter. Preservatives are designed to take the life out of food -so it lasts longer on the shelf- which benefits supermarkets and NOT consumers. I don't want to make a scandal of this as many others out there are doing, but if you are trying to eat healthier, shop in the perimeter of the supermarket -or better yet, go to a farmers market- rather than the center isles. Read the labels. For me, if I don't recognize the ingredients on a label, then it's not food. It may be something that entertains your mouth and calms your anxiety but it is not food and therefore, not very healthy.

Once I am used to cooking more, and my palate starts to wake up to the wonders of real food, I would strive for my 5 a day.
In reality, you should go for 3 vegetable portions (80 grams or 3 ounces per portion) and two fruit portions of the same size. (Please note potatoes are NOT vegetables) I have discovered if I plan my meals around this, there is not much room for other not-so-healthy food left.

I try to eat one fruit with breakfast and one for a snack, and one portion of vegetables at lunch and two at dinner. I do not always manage it, not because I don't like vegetables but because Husband thinks they are boring and too much (or actually, because I use Husband as an excuse not to go through the trouble of including the veg, and excluding something else) For me, this is the best way to eat healthier. Just strive for two portions of vegetables at dinner. Have you seen what 6oz of vegetables look like? It's a LOT of veg. Sometimes I make the vegetable the star of the main meal: stuffed tomatoes! with salad! Vegetable soup! Stir fry!

Whoa! Look at me all righteous and rambling like last time! I think this post has gotten too long, so I will cut it here, and make a second part tomorrow. Hopefully you'll still be interested?

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR EATING HABITS

2009-01-16T11:30:00.003Z

Firegirl asked me a question I get a lot when people discover I can cook: What can I cook if I hate cooking, and dislike 80% of the ingredients God put on this earth?

In my opinion, there several possible answers:

Learn how to cook or get someone else to do the cooking.
Stop being picky. You are an adult. It's time to start trying new foods.
Keep eating your processed fast food (and it's fast food if it came from a box and all you did was microwave it) and live a short -but cook free and picky-eating- life.

Sorry. There is no way to improve your habits if you are not willing to broaden your choices and skills. I get it that you hate cooking. I hate it too most times (which is why I changed careers). But just like house work, and exercise and grooming, you just have to get on with it. Period. Most people who hate cooking do so because they think they are not good at it. Cooking can be really scary, but let me tell you that cooking is just a skill. It's like learning how to drive or how to tweeze your eyebrows. Hard and scary at first, with loads of mistakes, but then you get better at it. And you even want to get adventurous.

The best way to lose the fear of cooking is to have a chat with your family and say, 'listen I am going to make loads of mistakes, but I am giving this a go. So, if what I make is inedible, we can order pizza'. Accept the mistakes. They happen to EVERYONE. I have a chef's degree and have known to salt the soup, burn the meat and use the wrong ingredient. It's not the end of the world. Some food may go to waste but that is the price of it. You scratched the car at some point, and over plucked your eyebrows. They grew back. Next time you make the dish, it will come out better. I guarantee it.

The next thing to do - if you really hate it so much- is to involve your family in the cooking. Either get everyone to cook twice a week or start cooking together. It's easier to make mistakes if the other person is making them as well. Everybody will be more tolerant and even start to laugh about it.

The best way to improve your cooking skills is to start by following a recipe to the letter. There are loads of cookbooks and websites that have recipes categorized by level of difficulty. Start with the easy ones, and make them several times. The first time you will feel unsure and awkward, but the second you at least know what to expect. The third time will be a breeze, and by the fourth time, chances are you won't even need to look at the recipe. As your confidence grows, move up to the harder ones. Eventually, you will feel sure enough to start tweaking the recipes to your own liking. You may not like carrots, and have leftover zucchinni. Try it out. Most of the times it will work out. If it doesn't, well now you know zuchinni doesn't go with parsnips. Boo hoo. Move on.

A good thing about cooking more and involving the family in it, is that you also start trying out new ingredients. Overcoming the fear of cooking makes you feel proud, and it will make you feel more tempted to try (and like) whatever you made.

So go on! Find an attractive website (Pioneer Woman is good, as she does a step by step of easy foods with pictures) and try a recipe out. I bet it turns out amazing!

Wow, I've rambled on about cooking and have not even started on the health part yet. But this post is already too long. I think I'll continue with that tomorrow.

A WONKY RECIPE

2009-01-12T23:39:00.003Z

So... Caramel apple french toast huh? Did you dream about it? Did you lust after it? It was bliss. Yummy, scrummy, blissful bliss. Aaaaaand, I don't have a recipe.

You see, when I was young and naive, I originally trained as a chef before going to University. Two years of my life, spent learning about hollandaise, bernaise, roux, choux, chicken stock, beef stock, fish stock... blah. At the end of it I decided I did not like it. I just could not picture mysefl having a family and working every day from 11 am to 1 in the morning and having Tuesdays off. It was just not part of my vision. So I went back to University and got a degree in something else.

This left me with a good side and a bad one. The good one, I guess, is I can cook. I cannot -or maybe will not- do anything impossibly fancy, but I am not afraid of cooking, or recipes, or experimenting. The bad one, I seldomly do recipes. If I taste something I like that is simple and straight forward*, I will just make it. Which is what I did for the Caramel Apple French toast that generated comments.

I woke up in the morning and realized there was only one egg left, and we had run out of pretty much else except stale bread. That was it. So husband suggested french toast. And I sighed a little bit, because it's not really my favourite. But then I had the brilliant idea of adding some cinnamony apples on top and that cheered my day right up. But I didn't measure how much I put of anything. I just assumed it would be nice with butter, cinnamon and sugar, you see. So that is why I don't really have a recipe.

But I do not want to dissapoint anybody who dreamt about the brunch, so how about a Wonky Recipe? We can test my eye-measuring-skills, which is something every chef should possess. If you make it then you can let me know how good (or bad) I was at calculating my ingredients

CARAMEL APPLE FRENCH TOAST

For the apples:
2 medium sized apples (I used Braeburn, and would also have liked Golden Delicious, but go ahead and be traditional and use Granny Smith if you like)
Half a stick of butter which I am guessing is 2 oz? (I may have used the heavier side of the half a stick of butter)
1/3 cup of brown sugar. I thought they were a bit on the not sweet side which Husband and I like, so if you are super sweet toothed, add a little more.
1/2 teaspoon of ground cinnamon

For the toast:
1 egg
4 Slices of bread (I had mixture left over for maybe another four so go ahead and do as many as you can)
1/4 cup of milk
1 teaspoon of sugar, I used brown
Dash of cinnamon

Thinly slice the apples. (I happen to love apple skin, I find it gives an extra layer of texture to baked goods, but if you are a peel-hater, go ahead and peel them)
In a pan on medium heat, add the butter until it melts.
Add the sugar and cinnamon and mix thoroughly.
Let cook for about 2 minutes stirring constantly.
If caramel is too hard, or horribly sticking to the pan, add a couple of tablespoons of water to un-stick it.
Add apple slices and mix well.
Stirr ocassionally until apples are cooked (I am thinking about 8 minutes. Go ahead and sample it to see if they are done, this is the best bit! Also: beware, caramel will be very hot)

Meanwhile, mix egg, milk, sugar and cinnamon in a shallow bowl that is also big enough to fit your bread slices. Place each bread slice, into mixture and allow to soak for a few seconds before turning to coat other side. Do each slice as you go, one at a time, otherwise you risk over-soaking. Place on skillet over low heat until brown on both sides. (Erm, you have to flip it, obviously)

Cut slices into triangles and serve with the warm apples on top. Finish by drizzling the caramel sauce onto the deliciously yummy toast.

Brew a fresh pot of coffee, and sit down to enjoy with an amazing book.

Bliss.

(Now I wish I had taken a picture of it)

*Please note I am not a chef. I do not do jus clarifications or compound butter or hollandaise even. Please don't think I am fancy and gourmet.

# 8 READING

2009-01-10T21:15:00.002Z

Today I woke up, brewed coffee, made caramel apple french toast, and sat down to the bliss of eating, drinking and reading a good book.

I love to read on days like this, where it's the weekend and it's cold, and you don't have to go anywhere. Days where you declare you are not doing anyghing and will take time to just enjoy. I love to lose myself in a good plot, to learn about someone else's life, or live vicariously some torrid romance. For me it's a way of relaxing and forgetting about life. It's a way of giving myself some me time in which I don't worry about work, or chores, or social life. And I am soo good at it, that if you talk to me while I am reading, I have been known not to even notice.

I love curling on the couch and just being there, being me, sipping coffee, turning page after page while the day just passes by. It's nice to stop and read sometimes. And I enjoy it the most, because if I ever have kids, it will become a scarce luxury that I will yearn for.

BETTER GET YOUR BOOTIES ON BECAUSE IT'S COLD OUTSIDE!

2009-01-09T17:36:00.003Z

Mexico City is a very warm place to live in. We get cold fronts during the winter months, but they never last more than a couple of weeks, and then it's back to sunshine and warmth all year round. Before living in London, I had never experienced really, truly being cold for a long, long period of time. It has made me think twice about saying I am a person who loves cold temperatures, and it has also made me realize how much human beings need sunshine.

I remember going to Paris a couple of years ago at the end of February, and running excitedly towards the sun-clad spots, squealing with joy, realizing we had not seen any sunshine in months. Even though it was really cold there too, the feeling of the sun in our faces and on our hands felt sooo good.

I find I have mixed feelings towards winter. It's long and hard and did I mention long? But today in an effort to stop the complaining already, I tried to think about the interesting things winter has brought to my previously winter-virgin life. This is what I came up with:

People in this country are possibly out of their minds. It's -1C (30F) outside and yet there are people walking about the streets with no coats, no gloves and weridly enough, in skirts. Short ones. Just watching them makes me feel colder.

It took me three years to figure out how to dress for the cold (i.e. woolen clothes, down parkas. layers) but,

I haven't figured out what to do about feet. I own lined boots (sadly not sheepskin ones) and three pairs of socks, but my feet are still ice cubes all the time.

I was complaining about the horrors of getting into a cold bed when somebody suggested I iron the inside before getting in it. (What? Do you have a better method?) If someone had told me about this when I still lived in Mexico, I would have laughed forever at that. Now, well I still laugh. But I also enjoy getting into a warm bed. So that is that.

Husband and I cuddle more in bed, which is nice.

It is lovely to be warm in bed when it's so cold outside.

I still don't understand how heating works. (Do you leave it on always? Do you turn it on for a while and then -if your house is well insulated- expect it to be warm for a long period of time?)

The best thing about winter for me, is the new found appreciation for spring and summer every year. It makes them both seem amazing and wonderful, and never again will I complain of being too hot.

Mexican people wear scarves and hats because it's fashionable and looks wintery. Who knew they were actually USEFUL?

Winter is quiet. There is no animal, no bug, no child in this world who wants to be outside. (And neither do I)

DIA DE REYES

2009-01-07T18:45:00.003Z

January 6th, is the Dia de Reyes, or The Epiphany, in Mexico. Which means that on the 5th of January at night, children take a pair of shoes, and put them under the tree or in the living room in the. It is said, the Three Kings of Orient come during the night and leave children presents, just like they did with baby Jesus. So for Mexicans, this is sort of a way of extending Christmas, and it makes the holidays last longer. This tradition was inherited from Spain, where the day is actually a holiday!

Anyway, also on the night of the 5th we gather round with family and friends and have hot cocoa with this sweet bread called the Rosca de Reyes. The fun part is that it has several hidden small plastic dolls -representing Jesus I guess?- and when you cut your slice, if you get the doll, you are meant to throw a party on the 2nd of February (What? Like you didn't know Mexicans like to party) This way you have something Else to look forward to and get you through the winter.

Picture by Zerethv

For several years I worked for a Big Wholesaler (the one that rhymes with Bosco) in the bakery department and that was by far the most important day in sales. In fact, on my very first day there I came home telling everybody "Guess what? I tried 36 Roscas today!" because we had to do the benchmarking to know our competition. It was fun and... filling.

I could bake one if I wanted to here, but it's not really worth the effort for the two of us. So, today (I know it's the 7th, but I am pretending not to notice) I baked an apple and blackberry crumble instead. It may not have a hidden price, but it makes my flat smell amazing, and my heart feel warm.

Feliz belated Dia de Reyes !

#7 NEW BEGINNINGS

2009-01-06T22:19:00.003Z

First of all, WELCOME to my newly designed blog! Isn't it lovely? I am so happy to have a new layout!

The Header was designed by Husband, who patiently sat down with me and very seriously asked me really weird questions about what I wanted such as:

If your blog were food, what kind would it be?
If it were a celebrity?
How about a movie?
What is your blog not?

I wanted something flexible so he came up with the idea of making it seasonal, so it can stay fresh during the year without it turning into a monthly having-to-faff-around-with-the-whole-thing a la Dooce. Anyway, it is all wintery for now, and it is making this season more bearable for me already so, score!

This whole renewing the blog/ New Year's resolutions theme going on in the last few days has reminded me how much I love new beginnings. When I was a kid, I loved to start a new school year. It was a chance to start over, to have a different experience in life, to make different friends, and later, in university, try out different subjects. In my adult life, I find myself constantly looking for them. I'll often do a spring cleaning weekend , move all the furniture around the house, drastically change my hairstyle.

I know there are new beginnings that can be daunting and a bit scary, but they also force you out of your comfort zone. Starting something and following through pushes you to grow, to become a better person; it challenges you into a new you, and most of the times it turns out amazing. And you can't really enjoy comfort if you don't experience discomfort, you know?

So I have been reflecting on this for a bit. I've been wondering what is it about newness that I love so much and I think it's the hope. I love that excited feeling of the wanted unknown, the looking forward to things, the glimpse of possibilities. I think hopeful is one of the best states of emotion to be in, because it becomes eagerness, turns into passion and finishes in joy.

MAKEOVER

2009-01-05T14:05:00.001Z

I'm giving this blog a much needed makeover. I don't really know much
about CSS code and stuff, so bear with us while the changes take place.

This is so exciting!

RANDOMNESS

2009-01-03T17:18:00.000Z

Here are some more random facts about me, bullet style:

Cinnamon is my favourite spice.
Until I came to London, I had never seen the snow in my life.
There is no nail polish out there that lasts on my nails more than 2 days.
I love to sing at the top of my lungs but rarely do it anymore.
One corner of my mouth does not smile. This is very weird but instead of going up as it would normally do, it goes down. Most of my pictures look like I am sort of snarling.
I cannot sleep if Husband is not in bed, asleep with me too.
I don't wear moisturizer of any kind. (I've been trying to get into it more since winter struck and my skin feels parched)
I secretly like the Oprah show.

RESOLUTIONS

2009-01-02T22:10:00.005Z

I haven't had any New Year's Resolutions in years, mostly because I think they are a fib. Most people give up drinking or go on a diet for a month, and mid February the winter depression and lack of money sinks in and all the initial motivation is lost. And while I wouldn't mind dropping a few pounds, I really don't feel like waking up tomorrow and joining the salad bandwagon. It's just too... cold.

However, there are aspects of my life I want to improve on, and I think it's fun to write them here and re-visit at the end of the year to see what happened. So here goes:

To be happier. Many people think it's a mixture of luck and life situations that bring happiness, but I think that is just an excuse. Happiness is a choice*. Every single thing in life has a good and a bad aspect and one chooses to focus mostly on one or the other. I want to focus on the positive bits of life. Constantly.

To give up complaining. This is completely related to the above resolution, but I am going to write it in a separate bullet because I really want to work on this specifically. You see, for years and years I complained about everything, all the time. This year I realized complaining only attracts more things to complain about and worked on it for a while. It made me realize how annoying it is to listen to someone whine all the time, and it also helped me focus on the positive aspects of life.

To be a better wife. Husband is amazing. I find myself constantly being impressed by the man he is and I just want to be the same for him. For this, I'll try to be more patient, be more involved in his stuff, and stop taking everything so seriously.

To be healthier. I really want to exercise. The perfect thing would be to join a gym where they will ideally have a kickboxing or boxing class that I can take a couple of times a week. I obviously can't do that now due to the lack of job, but I can try for now to do something. Anything. I am going to aim for at least once week because it is more doable in the long term for me, and even if I do just that, it will be 52 more times I exercised this year than the last.

So there, not too many and mostly they are related somehow, but the best way to stick to resolutions is if you only make one or two. Let's see how it goes!

*Obviously there are people who are genuinely depressed and/or have other mental or health issues and could benefit from professional treatment.

NEW YEAR'S QUIZ

2008-12-30T18:34:00.003Z

Linda at Sundry always does this questionnaire thing for the new year, and this year I can actually participate because I have a blog!

So here goes.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
I noticed Spring for the very first time. It made me not hate winter so much. I worked in Fairtrade which was an amazing experience, and I also went to the Lake District which was something I wanted to do for years.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year, but I wish I had given up complaining.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, two of my Mexican friends did. One girl and one boy. Sadly, I haven't met them yet which sucks.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, unfortunately my cousin's friend died in August this year. It was very sad, he was in his early 30's

5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico. Then we had to send our passports to the Home Office and they have kept them ever since.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
My own flat. Also, a job. Although I did have one for the best part of 2008 so I don't know if it counts.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Visiting Mexico in March for the first time in two years was quite shocking. I felt foreign and overwhelmed and sad. It was a very good experience because it helped me realized how much I have changed here in London. Launching a product that I designed and project managed on my own was amazing. That happened (Or should I say ended?) in September. Also, the day after my Birthday I was made redundant from Workplace. It was a nice present (NOT!)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Launching my product (see above). It was very, very gratifying. Seeing it on the line coming out of the machine for the very first time was very cool.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Losing my job. I know it was the economy and not my fault at all but still, it sucks.
I also feel that I failed at being happier. Life got in the way a lot. I hope 2009 is better.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got a horrible cold twice in a month. That's about it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
We bought a Sony Bravia after not having a tv for almost two years.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My Husband's. He just impresses me with all the personal growth he does.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My Sister's. Life has not treated her well for a while, and she was angry and over sensitive for a long time. She is getting better though.

14. Where did most of your money go?
I very much wish I were saying it went to a house or a car or even a holiday. But nope, it went mostly to the old rent and food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The AGM of ex workplace. I won't get into it but it was life-changing for me. And not because I was in love with workplace or anything of the sorts. It was because I got to see firsthand what the Fairtrade movement can do, and the way it truly changes peoples lives.

Also: Product Launch!! My sister's visit. Finding out from Facebook that an old friend of mine lives here and having lunch with him, his wife and new baby. That was super cool.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Microdancing -Babasonicos
How can I keep from singing -Libera Choir version.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder. This time last year I had just started an exciting job with more pay. This year I have no job, no pay and no prospects. I am a better person though.
b) thinner or fatter? About the same
c) richer or poorer? Hmmmmm. I am going to skip this one.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Gotten excited about stuff. Played more. Felt happier. Exercised more.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I had worried less, gotten less angry, lost my patience less.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my Husband in our Flat in London.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I know this is really corny but Yes. I fell in love with life again after YEARS of thinking it was bleh.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Dragon's Den, Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, the UK version.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope

24. What was the best book you read?
Not the best writing out there but the "Twilight" series by Stephenie Meyer seem to be made of some sort of drug. Not only could I not put them down but as soon as I finished one, I had to have the next one. Immediately.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Can we skip this one too? I am not very musical. I am struggling with this though, I think I have to work on that a bit more. Maybe it will be a New Year's Resolution.

26. What did you want and get?
A woolen jumper (sweater) from Howies

27. What did you want and not get?
A job. A new flat to live in. A job for husband. Sigh.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Somers Town was really good.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had an amazing birthday. My sister came over to visit and I went out for dinner with friends. It really wasn't that spectacular but it made me realize how many wonderful friends I've made in this country which I wasn't expecting. I turned 31.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
One thing huh? Possibly Husband having a proper job.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Confused but tried for the most part to look decent. (Am working on that one too, it's easier when you have a bigger budget)

32. What kept you sane?
Abraham-Hicks

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Gordon Ramsay. I didn't care for him before, but then I started watching Kitchen Nightmares and changed my mind. I don't find him good looking or anything, but he is still... mesmerizing.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Are you kidding? The economy collapsed, and then I lost my job. Wah.

35. Who did you miss?
I missed my mexican friends the most. I really miss Latin American chat, and inside jokes, and just calling people for a chat or a bit of gossip. Friendships here are good but they are quite superficial. I don't really have anyone to talk intimately to you know? Share the juicy private stuff Sex and the City- style.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
That would be my Colombian friend Andrea. She is a breath of fresh air.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
It's not situations that bring you happiness. It's you.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I don't want to know, I don't want to go,
I don't want to go back into the city.
It's just a long long long lonely taxi ride
Going nowhere.

That is it for me. It was quite cool to look back on this year. I realized I spent most of it fearing Husband would want to go back to Mexico, hence, the lyrics.

If you want to join in, check out the directions on her site.

THE FORGETTABLE YEAR

2008-12-28T16:18:00.000Z

When I was about 11 or so, Christmas became sort of cursed. Every single Christmas there was a 'tragedy'. Lets see, there was the one where my mom left my dad in the middle of dinner. Yep, as in pack my bags, gone, never see you again. I am not kidding. I am so not kidding.

Then there was the One where my cousin decided to get married that day. The groom got so sick he fainted, and the food ran out leaving most guests hungry. There was no Christmas at all that year for me, no tree, no presents, no forcing us to go to church. Nothing.

Another year my uncle had a heart attack and we spent it in the hospital.

There was also the time my mom decided to spend it with her then boyfriend, and my sister and I rebelled and decided WE WOULD NOT GO. Only my sister spent it with HER boyfriend I ended up spending it ALONE with a 7/11 tuna sandwich for dinner, watching holiday movies on TV. I was 15.

Christmas did get better over the years, but I have had really bad ones.

Anyway, I really don't want to get into the drama, because I am sure loads of people have had worse holidays than I have and besides, that is all in the past and done with. I guess what I want to say is that this year was a bit unremarkable. It was not horrible or anything, but it wasn't great either. I am still very, very grateful. I have a wonderful husband to spend it with, we had enough money for a proper dinner and we talked to our families through the magic of webcams. There was nobody leaving, or being sick, or left alone or family feuds or grudges to heal. I

guess this will be the forgettable year. The year that skips our minds in the sea of other years, other events, other dramas.

I'm glad 2008 is coming to an end. I'm ready now for 2009.

HOW TO OPEN A LOT OF PRESENTS WITHOUT SPENDING A FORTUNE

2008-12-13T19:36:00.004Z

AKA. THE XMAS PRESENT GAME!

I did not make up this game. I don’t know who made it up or where I got it from because it’s been a tradition in my family for YEARS. But I want to share it because it makes for a cheap activity to do at Christmas and avoids guests having to buy expensive presents for the other guest while still making everybody feel they got loads of presents.

Photo by Compromised Exposure

First of all you will need a pair of dice. Next, go to the dollar store or to Target or Walmart or wherever and buy a lot of crap. It is usually good if the stuff you buy is heavy, but choose whatever is cheap and fun. Here are some examples of stuff you can buy:

A Costco sized can of tuna
A big bar of soap
Toilet paper
A bag or jar of candy
Used books
An old phonebook
Flour
Tupperware

I would recommend 2 to 3 presents per person although this will totally depend on the amount of people present. Don’t personalize the stuff you buy. (With this I mean, don’t buy that brand of coffee uncle Ed loves, because chances are he will not end up getting it, you will understand why in a bit) We also like to buy one ‘good’ present, usually a gift certificate so that anybody who wins it can make use of it.

Now the tricky part is wrapping the presents. You have to wrap them so that nobody can tell what they are by looking, touching, or shaking them. If you bought toilet paper put it in a box with something heavy so whoever lifts it thinks it’s something good. If you lift a big box with no effort, you are automatically going to think it’s empty. Note that light and small presents are usually not very popular. Don’t just put the gift certificate in an envelope because everybody will know what it is. If you got a cd or a book, don’t just wrap it as is, try smoothing the edges with cotton or newspaper to disguise the shape. You can use any gifts from your office that you don’t want. Diaries, brownie baskets and figurines will serve the purpose, and it’s a good way to get rid of them. Don’t label the gifts, they are for the whole party of guests, not for specific people.

After dinner, or whenever it suits you best, (we do it after dinner because it’s when the table is clear and people usually run out of stuff to do/ talk about) put all the gifts on the table. Sit around the table and roll the dice. If you get an even number, you get to choose a gift. Take it and put it somewhere next to you but don’t over shake, touch, look, etc. Do this clockwise around the table until there are no more gifts left. Now for the fun part!! Agree on a number of rounds. We usually do 3-4 but it really depends on the number of guests and presents. Roll the dice again, (we go counter clock wise for these rounds) and if you get an odd number you get to STEAL a present from somebody else. Let’s say you really wanted that big, heavy box but somebody chose it before you got your even number during the first round. Now you can take it from that person. And that person can take back it from you on the next round!

This is the fun part because usually people start fighting over one or two particular gifts, thinking they will be amazing (remember nobody but you knows they are mostly crap) It creates lots of laughter, jokes, family strategy planning, etc. When the rounds are over, everybody gets to open their presents. It is very, very funny to watch people realize they have been fighting for the toilet paper. There are two ways of doing this, and it will totally depend on your personal style. One is to do it on your own if you are the host or a guest that doesn’t want to arrive empty handed. The other is to ask your guests to bring some presents too, without giving too much away. In my opinion it’s the most fun to host it by yourself the first Christmas, and have people participate with presents of their own the following holidays once they get what the whole thing is about.

I really like this game because this way everybody gets to unwrap loads of presents, nobody broke the bank, and it is an extra activity for the dull after dinner part of the party. Like I said before, you can get everybody to participate bringing say 10 crappy presents and one ‘good’ one (fix a price if you want) and that way experienced people in the game still have something to look forward to.

HOW TO DO CHRISTMAS ON A BUDGET

2008-12-11T18:03:00.002Z

OR WHAT TO DO ABOUT CHRISTMAS WHEN NOBODY HAS A JOB

First of all, be thankful to your previous Company for giving you a three-month severance pay, because otherwise you would be spending Christmas at your McJob.

Second of all, also be very thankful that you and Husband have always put money away for savings, and both of you not having jobs can now be considered the ‘rainy day’ in which to spend them.

On to the good stuff:

Talk to your spouse about it. Choose a time to do this when you are both feeling good and relaxed and hopeful. Bringing a delicate subject up when either of you are feeling depressed or overwhelmed about not having a job is a very bad idea. For example, Husband woke up today in a fantastic mood and I could tell because he started tidying and cleaning and ordering things without being asked to, aaand he was singing all the time. So I made a batch of pancakes and midway through breakfast brought the subject up. It was good.

Remind yourselves what Christmas means to you. For us it is very much the celebration of the birth of Jesus, and we take the time to remember life is supposed to be loving and joyful. We try not to lose perspective of that and it really helps to stay focused when cutting back on expenses. Christmas for most may also have tradition significance; it may not feel like Christmas without a tree, presents, turkey, lights etc. Talk about it and really, really look at what is important about the holiday and why. Are presents really that important? Is it really about what you get?

Also please don’t forget IT IS ONLY ONE YEAR. Life is always going to be this way, sometimes things are better, sometimes they are not, but everything passes and life always changes. This is a very difficult year for most of us, but chances are next Christmas will be better and you will be able to get back to your usual way of celebrating. It is only one year. IT IS ONLY ONE YEAR. (Or in my case, it is only 3 years)

Once you are both talking about it, look at how much money you have and assign a realistic budget to the holiday. This is very personal for every family and it will depend on how much money you have, how much your expenses add up to, how many members are in the family, etc.

Make a list of Christmas expenses, i.e. gifts, food, decorations, activities, cards, etc.

Once you have a very thorough list, think of any elements on there that you can cut back on or, even better, eliminate. For example, you may have been invited to a relative’s place that is providing the food, and you may only need to purchase a few bottles of wine. That would take care of the ‘food’ expense. Cross it out. I would also recommend slashing presents completely. Seriously, You don’t have a job. You don’t need to make things worse by buying Aunt Mildred a scarf she won’t even like. If you can’t bear arriving empty handed, or have a difficult family, you can do the X-MAS PRESTENT GAME, which I will post about tomorrow.

If you do decide to eliminate presents, I would still recommend sending cards. They are cheap, and they still tell people you thought about them and took the time to mail them a card even if this year you couldn’t afford a present. Most people will understand what you are going through, and not mind not getting anything for ONE YEAR. If they don’t then why are you even bothering giving them a present? It’s Christmas!!! Now is the time for everybody to understand!

If your family is difficult (there are a lot of different families out there who don’t understand or maybe you don’t really want them to know your spouse was made redundant etc) then again, talk to them. Pick a good, calm time to let them know you are doing a lower budget Christmas for ONE YEAR. If they don’t know your jobless status, then you can tell them you have realized that with the economic climate, Christmas is going to be harder for people in developing countries and have decided to donate half your budget to a charity, or the homeless or something like that (Which is not a bad idea by the way).

Now it’s time to assign a figure to each aspect of the list. Try to save some money wherever you can. This is where your ‘thinking out of the box’ office skills will really come in handy. Can you put up fewer lights this year? Can you buy a turkey breast instead of a whole turkey? Can you have only one dessert instead of two? Can you make a tree out of cardboard instead of having a real one? Can you buy cheap pre made cards instead of printing custom made ones? Can you hand deliver some of them? Please remember IT IS ONLY FOR ONE YEAR. Having a cardboard tree for one year is not the end of the world, and also will create great memories for future years. (Remember the year we attempted to make a cardboard tree?)

Stick to your budget. If you find yourself tempted to just get this one little thing, remind yourself IT IS ONLY FOR ONE YEAR, and think about the stress free January to come.

Volunteer some of your time in a soup kitchen or some activity like that. It feels good to help out. It feels very, very good to make a difference in someone else’s life. Instead of sitting around your tree-less, present-less house, you are doing something valuable. This will also help you and your family realize ONE YEAR without presents/tree/lights/two desserts is not a big deal.

Husband and I were not invited to spend Christmas with anybody. Which means we will have to provide the food, so we have slashed everything but that and Cards. Boo Hoo. (See, if we can do it, you can do it)

LIVING IN LONDON: NOT THE POST I WANTED TO WRITE, BUT STILL...

2008-12-10T15:57:00.003Z

Hard. Fun. Freeing. Shocking. Stunning. Brilliant. Sad. Cold. Unfamiliar. Revealing. Blissful.

I have sat down to write this post millions of times, going through all that’s happened and I can never get past a few lines. The truth is I don’t know how to describe what it is like, and when I talk to Husband, and Sister, and Cousin, I suspect it’s very different for everybody.

First of all, imagine you have to pack your whole life in two 25 kg bags. TWO BAGS. What would you take? Pack knowing it will be about a year until you can afford to buy the stuff you left behind. It’s hard. We left everything behind. Everything. We sold all our books, cd’s, dvd’s, furniture, frivolous shoes, clothes, kitchenware, comforts.

Second of all, being here has been hard. Sometimes I think London doesn’t want us here, as if it had a magic spell against immigrants -albeit legal ones, but immigrants nonetheless- because I just can’t believe that after two and a half years we are still nowhere near where we would like to be. We have struggled to find jobs, and I don’t know if I have ever shared this on this blog, but, for reasons I won’t get into right now, Husband just doesn’t have one. I was lucky enough to find a job I loved but just as we were starting to feel confident that things would be all right after all, I was made redundant. In November. In the middle of the worst economic crisis there has been in this country for the past 70 years. We have also had quite bad luck finding a decent place to live in. Either we have had landlords from hell, or our rent goes up by 30%, or we find ourselves living in a damp flat with no heating (the current one). All of the flats we have lived in have had nightmare plumbing problems and we can’t seem to get out of the area we currently live in. Our money has disappeared from our bank account (don’t worry we got it back), and to top it all off, we have had several family emergencies that have forced us to give money we don’t have.

Now think of everything you didn’t pack and think it has been almost 3 years and you have not been able to get any of it back. Lots of the things that we had and did in Mexico that we took for granted have suddenly become luxuries. Like any kind of grooming, haircuts, highlights, manicures, waxing, makeup, frilly shoes, whims, movies, entertaining, dining out, traveling, books, games, everything.

Add Culture Shock to that, and it just sometimes seems like it’s just too much, like we shouldn’t stand it anymore and go back. And believe me, sometimes we’re tempted.

Except it’s also been great. It has been so much fun to live this, we have learned so much, and grown so much and also become much closer as a couple. For me personally, London has been an amazing self-discovery experience. When I lived in Mexico I felt vulnerable, sad, desolate and lost. I didn’t know what I wanted, or who I was. I didn’t enjoy life at all. I was just sitting there, passing time. I had very few friends, had been betrayed too many times, and cried many, many nights. I hated the City, hated the traffic, the pollution, the driving, and I couldn’t get a job.

I don’t know exactly what happened here, except that everything got better. I think realizing I had no control over life made me give it up, surrender it somehow. I woke up one day knowing I’d found myself. I saw myself everywhere, in the enjoying of nature, in the warmth of my husband, in the cold of winter, in the challenges of my job. I found friends that I didn’t know I could have, and being the sole breadwinner of a household made my confidence thrive. I am a joyful person here. I feel free, light, in love with life, and I would not change any of the material comforts we had in Mexico for that.

I shop on Oxford street, eat a cupcake from Selfridges, jog along the Thames River, walk along the South bank, and on a leisurely weekend I walk to Greenwich and put one foot on each side of the world. I can jump on a train and be in Paris in 2 and a half hours, or take a short plane ride to see my sister in Barcelona. I have been to a live concert of my favourite band, attended a conference with Michelle Gondry, seen a real London musical, and dined in the same restaurant as Mackenzie Crook (from the UK ‘The Office’)

Living here is amazing, trendy, chic, cosmopolitan and just plain brilliant. So maybe my house is not ideal, and we don’t have steady jobs, but we are young, we don't have any kids yet and I just know I will remember this adventure for the rest of my life. So, even if moving to London has been quite rough, I would not change it for anything.

RUPERT UPDATE

2008-12-06T13:03:00.003Z

Well.

First of all, thank you everybody for your comments on Rupert. It's so amazing to realize people out there are actually reading, and have so much useful information about everything. I should have posted a picture of it before repotting it, because then I would have known that the worst possible thing I could do to Rupert was precisely that. I would have also realized the poor thing was completely overwatered, and would have then hopefully saved its roots by only changing the soil and letting it recover.

Unfortunately, I did not know it was a peace lily, and thus did not conduct any kind of useful research before repotting it. It also does not help that it's dead cold now here, and my flat has no heating. Predictaby, I guess, Rupert is, uhm dead? How do I tell if it's dead? The only three leaves it had are now completely brown and srhivelled, and I don't see any new shoots coming through. Should I give it a couple more weeks, or should I just give up and mourn it? Could it be hibernating? If the roots were dead, what would they look like?

I would have loved to save Rupert. It would have been a live reminder of the fact that for the first time in my life not only did I love every single thing about my job, but that I made it happen (yup, a la "The Secret"). It would have been a nice memento to keep from the amazing experience that it was to work for a company that made a difference. Sigh. Sorry Rupert, I hope plant heaven is bug free, full of healthy soil and lots of warm light.

WOULDN'T IT BE NICE?

2008-12-04T16:38:00.002Z

This year for Christmas it would be nice if:

I found a job as fabulous as the one I had, but with 50% more pay.
Husband found a job he loves.
We moved into a warm and well lit, unfurnished flat. With a nice landlord.
I lost 4 kg.
We got our passports back.
We went to visit my dad in Spain next year.
We went to Mexico in March.
We traveled more.
I got a warm well cut coat that doesn't make me look shapeless.
I found warm shoes that are actually nice.
I blogged more.
I learned to be more in my now.
We went to more musicals and concerts.
I went on a winter clothes shopping spree.
I became more fit.
I found more hobbies.
I read more books that I love.
I found new music.
I made more of an effort to look nicer.
We had a Roomba.
They sold flavoured coffee creamers in the UK.
I felt hopeful more of the time.
Rupert lived.

I guess I could go on and on listing more things that I would like, but also it's nice to know where my priorities are (i.e more happy moments than things)

What about you readers, what would you like as a Christmas miracle?

#6 NEW CLOTHES

2008-12-03T17:28:00.002Z

Perhaps this is not the best time to talk about this because of the economic climate, etc, but I don't care. I recently received a 30% off voucher for The Gap, and I rushed in quite excitedly. I really like that store because of it's basics. It is not the trendiest place to shop, but you can get a nice standard turtleneck that lasts a bit more than the cheap ones at Uniqlo and at 30% who am I to resist?

I love wearing new clothes. It may seem frivolous but this statement doesn't mean I buy clothes all the time, you know? It just means I love the feeling of having them. I love that they fit just right because they have not shrunk in the wash, or you have not had months to put on weight before wearing them. I love that they are soft and new, and somehow that makes me also feel like a brand new person. They help me stand up straighter, feel more feminine, walk better, smile more.

Shopping sprees are the best, because you buy several things, allowing you to spread out that newness feeling for longer. I love opening the closet and knowing I have several items of clothing to look forward to, and that mentally makes me feel pretty and groomed. It's sort of like feeling taken care of for a while.

It also makes Husband notice me more, which is quite lovely.

Christmas is a clothes-receiving season, so I hope you all get loads and loads of new things to enjoy after the excitement of Christmas has worn out. I know I will!

SURPRISES ARE GREAT

2008-12-01T23:17:00.008Z

I have been nominated by Danielle over at A little Left of Lost for the Uber Amazing Blog Award! This is very exciting, thank you Danielle!

These are the rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.

2. Nominate at least 5 blogs (can be more) that for you are Uber Amazing.

3. Let them know that they have received this Uber Amazing award by commenting on their blog.

4. Share the love and link to this post and to the person you received your award from.

My Uber Amazing Blogs are:

1.- Bethtastic

2.- Firegirl

3.- Alice's Wonderland

4.- Wishcake

5.- Below the Eight

This has been a lovely surprise. I have been feeling a bit down lately, and it really made my day. Cheers!

Wazzzaaaaaaaaa

2008-12-01T22:28:00.001Z

Something is up with my template. I have no idea what, so while I fix it, I am sticking to this temporary one. Sorry about that.

#5 Winter

2008-11-23T14:38:00.005Z

Hot Chocolate, cute knitted hats, roaring fires, duvet days, movie nights, Christmas... Oh who am I kidding I really don't like winter that much. It is dark, cold, rainy, humid, long, dark. Did I mention dark?

Before coming to London, I hadn't experienced a real winter. Mexican winters are VERY mild, California-style and really, people try to have one by wearing scarves and hats but pah! It is not cold.

London however, is a whole 'nother story. One day you wake up cold, and do not heat up again until spring. Most days it rains horizontally ensuring you stay wet forever.

Truthfully, weather could be worse as it doesn't really even snow much, but I am Mexican. Brr. Also: darkness. Around November, twilight starts at around 4 in the afternoon which means it is dark by 5. FIVE.

Oh wait. This blog is about things I like! Why am I trashing winter? You see, there is something good, even wonderful about winter. And that is that everything becomes dormant. Before living here, I had never seen bare trees, or experienced the dead eerie silence on the streets. I had not felt like hibernating, I had not felt blue for no reason, I had not felt eternally cold.

I had also never experienced the full blow of hope and joy that is Spring. Oh my God, how amazing it is to wake up one day to the sound of chirping birds, and to look out the window and see the tree has become full and green overnight. It is just amazing to feel the sunshine on your skin and to feel sort of... alive again. Your mood changes. People are out in the streets, laughing, having bbq's, playing music. There is so much hope in the air, you find yourself wanting to skip to work. Everything just comes back to life. It's like breathing air after being underwater for a while. Or like resuming a movie that has been paused.

And that is why I like winter. Because it makes me appreciate spring. It's always spring in Mexico and it's so constant that I used to take it for granted. Now it makes me realize life has its cycles. It reminds me that sometimes things are good, and sometimes not so much, but there is always hope you know? There will be many winters in life* but there will always also, inevitably be a spring after that.

*You know like now! I am going through my own personal winter! Am queen of the metafors! Ahem.

CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR RUPERT'S SAKE

2008-11-23T11:33:00.006Z

Around March -or maybe it was February? Doesn't really matter- a friend of mine from Workplace decided the office was too grim and bought a plant to cheer her desk up. The plant was nice, and it indeed livened the place a little bit. Rachel watered, touched, fed and talked to the plant and it started to thrive. And thrive. And thrive.

One day it started to wilt, and look sort of sad and a bit cramped. The leaves drooped and turned yellow and died. Rachel and another colleague of mine sat around the plant, plotting and planning to buy more soil, and blah. Then they would forget about it for a week, until one of them noticed the plant shedding leaves, and they would plan again. You can guess where this is going. The grand potting plan never happened. It would amuse me to see them fretting over the plant, knowing they would not do anything about it, wondering just how long the poor thing was going to last.

About two months ago, Rachel got this amazing opportunity to live Latin America with her boyfriend for a year, and left the plant in the care of the colleague who had fussed the most around the plant. Andrea sort of neglected it. She would remember it once in a while, giving it sidelong chagrined glances and would then proceed to promptly over water it. (I really don't blame her, I would have probably done the same thing) On our last day, she asked if any of the people staying in the office was willing to care for the plant. Nobody volunteered. So she decided to just leave it to die. Just like that. There would be no more soil buying, or repottting. There was no point. It was almost dying.

I don't know what came over me. I am usually very practical. I would normally have been the one to suggest we just chuck the piteous thing and put it out of its misery. But I couldn't. I couldn't just leave the poor thing to die. I don't know why.

So I brought it home with me, planning also to repot it, and care for it and make it live. But then I got sick. And the poor thing got sadder. And sadder. And sadder.

I kept glancing at it and worrying about it. I ventured unsuccesfully outside for a short while to my local shops to see if I could find a pot and more soil. Did you know nobody gardens, or plants or repots during the winter months? Of course not, why would they? Plants become dormant this time of year. It is not a good idea to repot them now. It is also not a good idea do repot a dying plant. I didn't know that, but I digress.

I named it Rupert. It is probably a she, but because I haven't the faintest idea of what kind of plant it is, and I can't even remember if it had flowers when Rachel bought it, I decided not to care. Rupert it is.

I really want to save Rupert. I have a soft spot for it.

So the first thing I did when I felt well on Friday, was find a place to buy a pot and soil to save Rupert. I didn't really have much choice of size, design etc (see above: winter) But we came home with what we could, and even got a 'salvage dying plants' solution that promised miracles.

I know nothing about plants, or potting, or winter. I just transferred as best as I could onto the new pot, watered it and asked it to hang in there, hoping come spring it will thrive. After doing this, it occurred to me I could google about it, and learned it was not a good idea to do anything to the poor plant. But I could not let it just sit there looking so pitiful. I couldn't. I can only hope it doesn't go into shock and die.

As of today, two of the three leaves are starting to yellow and I fear the worst. It's also getting quite cold here, and I don't know if it is better to just leave it to the normal temperature of our flat (which is badly insulated, and hence, very cold) or if to keep it in the living room where the radiators are warm. Also, my flat does not get much light. And the window is drafty. We'll see what happens. Cross your fingers for Rupert's sake.

WHY NOT A RECIPE

2008-11-18T20:06:00.003Z

Hello!! I am stuck in bed with a Cold From Hell. Or maybe it is the flu? I don't know what the difference is, is it the Fever? The degree of illness? The length of the suffering?

Anyway, I haven't felt like posting but I want to, so without further ado, I give you... a recipe. An authentic Mexican one:

Molletes (Pronounced Moh-yet-eh-s)

Ingredients:

1 Tin of black beans (for those who live in the States, you can use a tin of your favourite refried beans although I think they are too sweet)
Butter
Baguette or other crusty bread
Havarti, mozzarella, american or any mild cheese (Do not buy the pre-shredded kind, it does not melt well in my opinion)

Pico de Gallo sauce:

2 Medium sized tomatoes
1/2 Medium sized onion or whole, if desired
1/2 Fresh Green chili (I use a whole one or two if it is small, but I am Mexican, I like my chili)
1 Lime
Sprig of coriander (Uh, is it called Cilantro in America?)

For the Salsa:

Chop the onion, coriander and tomatoes. Slice chilli lengthwise and take seeds out with a small knife. (Seeds in chili are what is most spicy so getting rid of them makes the sauce milder) Chop chilli. Combine onions, tomato, chili and coriander in a bowl and squeeze the juice of a lime. Add salt and pepper to taste and mix until thoroughly combined. Salsa keeps in fridge for about 5 days.

For the Molletes

Open tin of beans and drain only half the juice. In a food processor mash beans until a thick paste is formed. Heat beans in a pan, moving constantly. Season to taste. (If you are a flavour freak, you can season with onion and garlic powder or with a cube of chicken stock)

Cut baguette in 3 pieces and then each piece lengthwise (as if you were to make a sandwich). Butter baguette. Spread beans on buttered baguette and top with cheese slices. Put under grill until cheese bubbles.

Top each Mollete with mexican salsa and dig in.

If feeling naughty, top molletes with chorizo, ham or shredded chicken before adding the cheese and putting in grill. Also, if feeling naughty eat with hands as if it were pizza.

----------
I could sooo have this for dinner tonight, but I am out of ingredients and am banned from leaving the house (see above: cold from hell) but I hope it appeals to someone out there and can enjoy them in my place.

ENOUGH

2008-11-11T16:44:00.004Z

Right. So I am unemployed. Boo hoo. Enough with the self pity don't you think?

On a brighter note, what do you think about the new looks around here? I downloaded this beautiful (and Free!) template, and while I think it looks gorgeous, I can't work out how to edit the 'Contact' tab, and my blogger profile seems to have disappeared. Also, my twitter tab is kinda funny, which may be driving me a bit crazy. Do any of you know how to fix this? Haaalp!

Also, as I was re-writing my 'About me' bit I realized this blog was meant to be about writing things I like - kind of expanding on the daily gratitude lists I make each morning- and so far I have mostly indulged in the wallowing of the job loss, so there will be no more of that. I am still making some finishing touches on my next post (she says!!! As if they were brilliantly written... ahem ( I don't mind not being good, English is my second language so being coherent is the main aim here, mostly. (This also gives me an excuse to shamelessly abuse the use of parentheticals))) but for now, I give you:

Shoes. On a wire. What's up with that?

STILL CHRISTMAS

2008-11-05T20:27:00.012Z

I get out of bed at the sound of 'Happy Birthday'. Presents are opened between hugs and jokes, and I don't know if it's the the excitement or the debris of my sister's things strewn around my tiny flat, but it feels just like Christmas.

Later, as I enjoy amazing food with my friends and family, an overwhelming feeling of joy rushes through me. I have this amazing life, this incredible group of friends that miraculously have shown up on short notice, and my family is here with me. I sit there holding back tears, realizing this is what happiness is about: a string of moments passing in a continuous of time.

---------

I am in the middle of nowhere, letting my sister catch up with a friend while I play with her 9 month old in the other room. We are sitting on the floor, and I am desperately trying to make her laugh doing the most ridiculous high pitched noises. It's early still, just after lunch, and when my phone goes off I assume it's Husband. I'm wrong.

My heart flip flops when I realize it's Workplace's MD. The reception is bad, the baby starts yelling, and he is speaking so softly I can barely make out any words. I stroke the baby's head trying to soothe her, while the colour plummets from my face and I patiently wait to hear the inevitable: I've lost my job.

I hang up feeling dazed and welcome the effort it takes to entertain a small child. Later, I chat and laugh, grateful for the distraction that is being in good company. It's weird to lose your job like this. I feel like we've broken up, like I was not ready to move on but have.

------

The train ride back is boring and I sleep until my sister's snores wake us up. We look at each other and crack up, laughing tiny hysterical laughs all the way home. We share all these jokes, old ones and new ones, and life is good. We do our dance. Life goes on. It's still like Christmas.

BACK

2008-11-03T11:30:00.005Z

Hello! I have longer posts to write, but for now I leave you with a short update bullet-style:

I have most definitely lost my job. I am surprisngly allright; a bit nostalgic because I love it there, but also looking forward to new adventures, we'll see.

My Birthday gifts included a Sephora kit of Creme Brulee flavoured body wash, body lotion, and perfume, two woolen hats, a Day at the Spa, a french press, Pink Champagne and a visit from my sister. It was a lovely birthday and I hope I get to have many more like this last one (minus the jobless bit -although that made it interesting)

My sister and I had a fabulous time, I can't remember when I laughed so hard or talked so much. It was fun and uplifting and I am glad she came for so long. Also, we went to places like the one in the picture below. Who can be sad in a place with those cakes?

Husband has totally managed to impress me with his supportiveness, wonderfullness and love. I am a very, very lucky woman.

My last day at workplace is Friday. I will soon stop working in the East, trendy side of this city. It doesn't matter, maybe my next job will be near here:

It is so true that it's not situations that bring happiness, it's you.

A DAY LATE

2008-10-27T08:17:00.002Z

HAPPYY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

It was my birthday yesterday. I had a really amazing day, it felt like Christmas!! I think my sister being here contributed to the experience, and also the fact that I have the whole week off to lounge. Yum.

I am 31 years young, and so far, I love being in my thirties. I hope it sticks!

On a different note, Workplace is having a Big Board Meeting today to decide what's going to happen. It's a bit surreal because I am lounging in my bed while these people decide our fates. My boss will call me later, to let me know what happens. I want to thank you all for your nice words and thoughts. Bizarrely enough, I feel quite positive about the whole thing. I think I am going to be okay. All is well!

I'm off to Kent with Sis. Will update more later.

Perfect Friday

2008-10-24T17:18:00.003+01:00

I arrived at the office today to discover the brochures we had sent out to print earlier, which had to be delivered TODAY, had a misprint.

We called the printer and everything, but in the end, the only thing we could do was paste tiny little labels with the correction on top. This means I spent the morning desperately peeling half-inched sized labels (Wah!) Fortunately, mid way through the whole task, everybody in the office took pity and we turned it into a peel-and-stick party. Everybody helped and we all sat there and cracked jokes while we worked. It was surprisingly relaxing!

Apologies for the blurry picture, it was taken
secretly with the mobile. I peeled 800 of these today.

After lunch, as I scrambled to cram my morning work into the afternoon, I was called into a meeting room for the traditional b-day song+cake (It's my birthday on Sunday) except instead of cake there were these amazing apple brownies baked by my boss.

I'm going to have to work a bit late to make up for the peeling debacle, but all in all it was a perfect Friday.I am sooo lucky to work for a Company where nobody frets when mishaps arise. I am lucky to have a boss that is nice, and a bunch of colleagues who are willing to bail you out. I will sincerely miss working here. A lot.

On other good news, my sister arrives today!!! She will be here for the whole of next week, so I will probably not be posting. See you in November!

SORT OF FUNNY

2008-10-21T11:22:00.002+01:00

I have never worked in an office where it was 'normal' so send round emails to EVERYBODY, including the MD. Here are some of the funny-ish ones that have been sent:

'Too busy to buy any treats in Kerala, but did manage to buy some Polish fudge in Dubai'

'Anybody fancy last day lunch? We could head off at 12.30 (otherwise Katie may eat one of us)'

'Benchmarking @ 4:00, bring thirst and hunger'

''I am aware the server is down, please stop harassing me about it' (Email didn't work either...we got this email 3 days later)

'Delicious, home made (but not by me) biscuits in the kitchen'

''Half a banana loaf in kitchen, apologies boyfriend ate other half without asking!'

TOURISTING & SISTERS

2008-10-20T10:01:00.003+01:00

My sister is coming over for a visit on Friday. She will be here for 10 days and I can't wait!!!

She is my best friend, we used to tell each other everything and do everything together. The thing I miss the most are Sunday mornings when whoever woke up first, would go lie on the other's bed and we would talk about nothing all morning. She moved to Europe a long time ago, and I've grown used to not having here near but now I get her all to myself. It is going to be great!! She lived in London for about 5 years so we won't be scrambling to see the Big Ben, but we still love to be tourists. So far activities planned include:

Have a chick flick marathon while consuming high quantities of junk food.
See a cheesy musical
Go to the 'Jack the Ripper' walking tour (it is Halloween after all)
Eat in places like this
Walk through places like these

We will also visit a couple of museums and galleries but I dunno what else. what about you, readers? If you came to London, what would you like to do?

LETTING GO

2008-10-16T12:25:00.001+01:00

So. Workplace. A few weeks ago, Mr. Big Chief called us into a meeting and announced that due to internal politic issues, we may all lose our jobs. There are meetings being held, calls being placed, arguments being had over money and hurt feelings, and so far nobody knows what’s going to happen.

And all this time I’ve had all these things in my mind that I want to say but can’t, and my throat is starting to burn with unsaid feelings and I just have to write. I have to say all this before I break out in tears, before I go out and scream and kick and punch and die a little bit inside. So bear with me internets while I have a public moment, and pour out this rumble of thoughts that won’t quiet my mind.

I feel mad. I feel furious and angry and panicked and sad, and irritated. I feel disappointed, tense, unmotivated, pitiful, lonely, stressed, sad, gloomy, miserable, cheerless and grumpy. And you all may think it’s because I am afraid of not finding another job, of being forced to work a Mcjob, of not being able to make rent, of having to go back to Mexico where things may possibly just be worse. But it is not that.

It’s the fact that I adore my job that is making me mad. I adore it here. I love this company. I love my colleagues, my desk, my commute, my hours, my salary, my daily issues, my conversations, my meetings, my reports. I love what I do. I LOVE WHAT I DO. And most importantly I LOVE DOING IT HERE. I love it that I can wear jeans if I want to, I love it that my personal life can come first. I love that we work helping communities in developing countries. I love that the MD is quirky, that we are all a bunch of hippies, that my boss let’s me handle my work as I think is best. And sure, there are problems, being hippies means we are not decisive enough, not commercial enough, and there are a lot of politics and misunderstandings and lack of professionalism. But I don’t really mind, the other bits are so good that for the first time in my life I am happy where I am. I am not itching to leave, not waiting for 3 years to go by, not wanting to switch careers, not hating my boss, or hating my work, or hating the customer. I love this flippin’ place. And it is going down, and things are rough, and I want to weep because it feels like I am breaking up. It feels like we’ve had a fight, and things are never going to be the same, and I would be ready to leave except things were just starting to get going. I want to launch one more product, have one more meeting, visit suppliers one more time. I want to do it all over again, fall in love with this job all over again, with the knowledge that I have acquired and the growing I have done. And I can’t. And it’s killing me. Sigh.

I’m working on this new project with the knowledge that it may never be, and it feels like a lie. Every phone call I make feels deceitful. I want to say goodbye to the lovely people I have been working with over the past year and I can’t. I want to tell them it has been wonderful to know them, it has been amazing to grow with them, and it has been rewarding as hell to have been able to help them. I want to thank them for helping me fall in love with life a little bit more, and wake up with excitement in the mornings. I want to tell them they have restored my faith in life. They have taught me that fairytales exist; they have given me my eagerness, my friskiness, my excitement back.

But I can’t. And so I post, anonymously, on this blog that no one reads, hoping my soul finds some relief. There are good things to come. I just have to let go.

ROUGH

2008-10-10T16:39:00.008+01:00

Things have been rough lately in my life. It's not one single big event that has made everything go haywire, but I don't know. It's the little things, you know? Like my company announcing we may all get laid off, or me getting a really bad cold, or going out to deliver samples and having to walk miles because I got lost.

Anyway, as I walked back towards workplace yesterday I realized I get to wait for the bus in places like this:

Tower Bridge: How I love you so.

Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would go from waiting for the bus on a dirty corner in Mexico City* to waiting for the Bus on Tower Bridge in London. But I did and I am, and it has all been an amazing adventure, even if things have been a bit rough. (Sorry about the crappy quality pic, it was taken from my mobile and the light was quite wrong).

Also, I found this other picture on my mobile:

Cumbria.

I went out there in June when things were good with my work colleagues and even though it rained the whole time, it ws amazing. It is by far the most beautiful place I have been to in this country and I am nothing but grateful that I got to go on workplace's dime. This was taken with the same crappy cameraphone. Imagine what it looks like in real life. ZOMG.

Life is good.

*I lie. I had a car in Mexico. I did not have to wait for any bus, but you know, it gives a more dramatic effect.

A LA SWISTLE

2008-10-08T15:56:00.004+01:00

Look through somebody’s blog archives and discover you REALLY want Swistle's Chocolate Mint Brownies. Realize there are no mint chocolate baking chips in London. Weep a little bit. Discover regular chocolate chips in drawer and wonder if you can do something else. Discover Swistle: Postpartum Chocolate Chip Cookies. Rejoice.

Find out you only have a little bit over a cup left of flour. Weep again. Come up with plan B which consists in halving the recipe. Do a little celebration dance in the kitchen. Take it into the living room where husband joins in. Love him for silly-dancing with you without blinking.

Realize recipe calls for something called Crisco. Be terrified of googling it, but do it anyway because you really want these cookies. Realize it’s just shortening. Love your husband again for having it in the fridge.

Remember the reason you have done no baking in London is because you do not own a mixer. Close eyes and wish for a mixer to appear on your counter. Open eyes and wonder if you can ‘cream Crisco and sugars’ by hand. Remember you do not own a mixing bowl either. Weep a little bit again and use pot from Ikea instead. Mush Crisco and sugar until arm hurts. Feel a bit ashamed that you have a cooking degree and do not a) know how to mix things by hand and b) know what the ‘creamed’ result should look like. Also feel ashamed about not having any cooking tools. Concentrate on having warm cookies in mouth and keep mixing. Add in rest of ingredients. Realize recipe calls for 170grams of chocolate chips and you only have 100. Pray for cookies to taste nice anyway.

Wonder what size ‘lumps of dough’ should be put on pan. Have no idea and improvise. Think of taking pictures for posting this odyssey later. Get annoyed at husband for using up camera's battery and forgetting charger at work. Put cookies in oven. Remember European ovens have a fan and lower temperature. Feel totally smart about this. Feel like you have overcome every single cookie hurdle in the world. You are super-cookie baker. Dance a little more in kitchen.

When alarm goes off notice cookies have not flattened out. Also notice they seem a bit puffy. Discover you forgot to halve the baking powder. Go back to recipe and discover it called for baking soda, and not powder. Laugh deep belly laughs because there is nothing more to do. Taste cookies. They are not bad warm but later discover they are horrible cold. Feel happy anyway, because baking was fun.

Come to the web to link back to recipes. Discover this, (which required no mint chocolate chips, no Crisco, no mixer, only 1 cup of flour, no baking soda or powder, no figuring out lump size and only one mixing bowl).

Laugh manically till you weep.

Block (sorry)

2008-10-07T21:36:00.000+01:00

I think I have writer's block. Just when I decided to start blogging again. What to do? Does anybody want to give me a topic? Is that like cheating? Forgive me, I am a newbie.

MIRACLES

2008-09-11T14:18:00.004+01:00

It really starts with an idea. At first it is just that, a blurry dream, a long shot of wishful thinking. Most of the time you don’t really know where to start; you sit at your desk pondering, researching, trying to calm the anxiety and feeling generally terrified. You devise a plan, and improvise a timeline even though you have absolutely no idea of how long things like ‘proofing’ and ‘licencing’ really take.

You put your heart into it, doing the most obvious things first like tasting every single product currently on the shelf, and spending an awful lot of time on Google. After a few weeks you start to see the light, you have a path to follow now, things look up and you feel the familiar rush of eagerness and anticipation. You feel sure of this, it will be great! You know what to do! You love your job. You surprise yourself by jumping out of bed in the mornings. This is fun!

You spend a lot of time just waiting, waiting… there is a limbo of meetings, decisions to make and others to do their part. Everything goes surprisingly smoothly for a while, and then it doesn’t. The designer doesn’t get it, the budget is too stretched, manufacturers don’t want to work with you, and the product is more expensive than you thought. You hit rock bottom, and waste precious weeks looking for solutions. There are more meetings -grim ones this time- everybody tries to help, frustration fills the room.

You embrace the frustration as willingly as you embraced the happiness; you remember this is exactly what makes the end taste so delicious, this is what you will look back on and proudly know you have conquered. Phone calls turn bad. Meetings get worse. Timeline is long forgotten. You mourn the loss of your bonus, it was nice to dream about the holiday.

You surprise your boss by feeling optimistic. You have been here before. This is normal. This is nothing! You remember the time when the machine broke during launch, and you had to stay until 3 in the morning holding your heart in your hand. You have definitely had worse. You will get through this!

You find a solution and tread on, it is not as easy anymore, but there is hope. Your job is normal and routine like. Oh well. Such is life.

The project becomes blurry meshing with your other obligations. Everything is subdued and boring now. You are in limbo, in between projects: one unfinished, the other not allowed to start. Motivation is low. Time drags. You hand things over to the sales team. This is no longer your battle to have, and yet you linger debating over how to help out. You never stop loving your job though. It surprises you how utterly happy you feel. You wonder why you never ever thought about giving up and are pleasantly surprised by the answer.

Finally the day arrives: you have a listing, everything will be fine. Relief tastes amazing. The eagerness comes back.

This is the best part.

You secretly savour every second of it. You let the feelings overflow you; you love your job, skip to work, laugh out loud. You sleep again, life returns to normal. On the day of the trial, you pick up the first one coming down the line. Time stops and goes faster at the same time. Your heart races, emotion gushes through your body. It is too strong –overwhelming even- and for the tiniest second you fear losing it in front of the supplier. You obviously don’t, and the moment passes.

It is surreal, fantastic to hold a dream in your hands.

You can’t wait to dream the next one to life.

STALLING

2008-09-10T16:28:00.005+01:00

I'm runing low on inspiration today so I'll leave you with five fun facts about moi:

When it comes to food, I don’t like it when people plate it up for me. I mean, if it is a restaurant it is understandable, but if it is something like a buffet I prefer to put the food on the plate myself. It is completely irrational, but I feel nobody can plate my food as precisely as I can. (I know, forgive me).

I shower with extremely hot water. I have tried to lower the temperature many, many times with no results. What can I do? I get cold in the shower.

My feet are always cold. Even in the summer I struggle with feet temperature. During winter I have been known to wear 3 pairs of woollen socks at a time. It helps but just barely so.

I like my hot food hot, and my cold food COLD. Lukewarm just doesn’t cut it. During winter though, I can’t drink cold water at all.

I love infomercials. I can sit there mesmerized for hours. I haven’t really bought anything out of them though. They are just fun to watch.

CHEESE

2008-09-06T17:37:00.003+01:00

I have been feeling very much in love lately. I know the obvious thing to spring to mind would be that this post is about my husband but it's not really about that.

I feel in love with me, with life. I wake up every morning feeling happy now, feeling alive. I walk to work with a smile, grin at strangers on the bus, laugh privately at everything during my day, and in the middle of it, I get these, these, feelings. They are like glimpses but instead having them with my eyes, I feel them with my whole being. Sort of like glimpses of happiness of bliss.

It's like when you have a dentist's appointment in the evening, and all throughout the day you get a creeping feeling for what is coming. Except it is totally the opposite feeling. I feel lucky, and happy, and exhilarated. I don’t know how to describe this other than that I feel like me. I am me. And it is wonderful.

I am just so thankful that I get to feel this way again. Before this experiment began, I was always angry, all the time. When I did manage to have fun, I felt hollow, like I was not there, like faking good feelings was the only way to have them. And I guess I was so used to it, that I didn’t think there could be another way, that there could be more. I thought happiness was not real. I forgot life could be wonderful.

Until now.

And I know this post is major cheese, but I don’t want this exhilaration to go away ever. I want to feel in love with life, all the time, forever. I want to tell the powers that be that I have had YEARS of sadness, anger, sorrow, despair. I deserve to be happy now thank-you-very-much. I do not want to go back to that, I do not want to lose myself again.

Except there was no power outside of me that did this. It was all me all along, the anger was me, and the happiness is me as well. All I need is to remember how to come back. That’s all. But it’s still a bit scary it’s not like I have a perfect life now, It’s just that I am happy in spite of it. I need to remember that I am happy because I choose to feel this way. It was not immediate, I didn’t wake up one day and felt happy. I did though, wake up one day and decide to find things to be happy about. And I worked at finding those things day after day, after day, until they became a constant.

I am writing this to remind me that I could do it again, that it is not that hard, that the results at the end are real. even when life seems to be a long dark wait for death.

GETTING IT OVER WITH

2008-09-04T16:16:00.005+01:00

I don’t really feel like writing today. I am a bit anxious about a work related thing that I have to endure tomorrow, and I am working on staying positive about that so I don’t have much strength left for other positive things. But I wanted to post anyway, because I will not be near a computer possibly all weekend, and I promised myself that if I resurrected this blog I would post often. So here I am. Hello!!

I just realised I am staying overnight in this economy hotel, in the middle of nowhere and instead of being intensively bummed about it, I am quite happy. I have it all planned:

Have dinner on train
Read embarrassing vampire teen romance book
Arrive at hotel at 10:00 p.m.
Talk to husband on phone
Have a relaxing bubble bath while fantasizing about certain vampire in said book
Sleep
Get up next day and get said meeting over with.

It may sound boring, but to me it is bliss. An evening all to myself! I can eat whatever I want without having to worry about cooking, dishes, etc. I have a book that I am looking forward to reading and a bathtub that I don’t have to clean!

Bliss.

Now, if only I could get Edward Cullen to forget Bella and keep me some company…

FOUND

2008-09-03T15:41:00.005+01:00

I have been thinking about resurrecting this blog for a while, but as I would not want to neglect it as before, I have been delaying the comeback. It is time though; I am here now so, we will see what happens. The best part of resurrecting this blog is that it has no readership, so I am really not accountable for anything. The worst part of resurrecting this blog is that it has no readership, so I am really not accountable for anything…

The first thing I want to say, if the time ever comes for anybody to read through my archives, is that I have found myself. Although, there are only a handful of entries revealed here, I kept on doing it in ‘real’ life. I made a point of sifting through my days so I could only notice the good bits. I held on to those good bits, milked them, and basked in them and lo and behold, one day I discovered I found me again. And it is wonderful indeed. It is a wonderful thing to feel like you again, to be happy, and to know who you are and what you want.

This experiment also had an incredible side effect. I became happy. Not only really, really happy but truly happy. And it shows. Before this, I was quite an angry person. I thought life hated me, and I hated it back. But now it‘s like I am another person. The black cloud has lifted from me, and there are no more negative feelings in there anymore. I enjoy life so much more. I am light-hearted and joyful and adventurous.

So, before this blog turns into sap, I would only like to tell you -command you, even- to do it. Seriously. Choose something you like and make a list of positive aspects about it. Do it with your partners, friends, jobs, hobbies. Do it about things you don’t like. The results will be amazing.

#4 Chocolate

2006-09-03T16:14:00.002+01:00

Inevitably, I think most of my entries will be about food. Food is a very important part of my life. It is so deeply connected with me, that I even do it for a living. I am a Food Technologist. I love most aspects about food and, I could not, not do a single entry about it. It would make me feel incomplete. I love chocolate. I think it is even my favorite food!

When we were very young, my dad used to record our voices as a way of tracking our growth. About once a year he would sit us in front of a small cassette player, press the red button and ask us questions. Often we would volunteer to sing a song, or tell a joke, but mostly he would ask us about school and stuff. One of the earliest conversations went like this:

DAD: We just had your birthday, didn´t we?
ME: (in a very very young voice) yeth
DAD: And how old did you turn?
ME: (silence)
DAD: The recording can’t see your fingers, you have to tell us with your voice
ME: Four
DAD: And did you have a birthday party?
ME: Uh-huh
DAD: What did you like best about your party?
ME: The piñata…
DAD: Really? The piñata? And what was…
ME: (Fiercely interrupting) NO WAIT… THE CHOCOLATE!!!!!
DAD: (Tries to hide his laughter)

And that is the best proof that I like chocolate since I was four.

I love the milky creamy sensation it gives you when it slowly melts in your mouth. I love the slightly bitter taste, the comfort it makes you feel. I love after taste it leaves in your toungue and if it wasn’t so fattening, I would have it all the time. And I mean ALL THE TIME.

As a kid it didn’t really matter what kind of choclate it was, or what form it came in. However, as I got older I started noticing some chocolate tasted wrong. It didn’t seem as creamy and it went all funny in my mouth. I learned to scrutinize labels and found that marketers can be very deceiving. Most snacks make you think you are getting chocolate, but if you looke closely it really says “chocolate flavored covering” This usually means you are eating shitty stuff half assedly disguised as chocolate. I hated and ranted about that for a long while, until I just entirely gave up and stopped buying Nestle and Hershey bars, and to this day I actually won`t go anywhere near the stuff. Also, white chocolate? Is not chocolate! Cocoa beans are dark brown. WTF? I developed a way of assuring any choclate I had was good, by always choosing for dark, semi-sweet chocolate. Unfortunately in Mexico, you could almost only get that kind of chocolate in specialty stores, and because of this people thought I was really picky. Again, nobody understood the importance of REAL chocolate and even worse, the importance of GOOD chocolate. In the eyes of everyone, I was just picky.

Now that I live in a country of chocolate loving people, where the average person eats 1.6 bars a day, I feel understood. Not only that, but my choosing-only-dark-chocolate technique has backfired! Dark chocolate here is too bitter! Now that I don’t really have to worry about quality, I have been trying all kinds of chocolate- even the white kind- and find that all ranges taste wonderful. No wonder I’ve gained like 15 pounds since I got here. Chocolate here is everywhere, and even Harrod’s has a special chocolate bar, where all the items in the menu include the wonderful stuff. I am waiting for my birthday to go and try it… ooooohhhhhhh, drool.

Erm.. so in conclusion, I love chocolate, Chocolate is good, and yes I am picky because if I am going to eat something that is going to make me fat? It better be damn good.

#4 I bet you didn´t see this one coming

2006-08-31T22:15:00.002+01:00

When I started thinking about this blog, I sort of imagined one of my entries was inevitably going to end up being about this. I didn´t want to think about it at the moment because, lets face it, there was no way around it being extremely corny and mawkishly sentimental, but... I just have to do it. Because... because.. because I have got the best husband in the world. I just do. It's not like he is perfect or unreal. We in fact have loads of problems: we row, we argue, he spends too much time on the xbox, I spend too much time complaining, I nag, he doesn't do enough around the house... you get the picture. But he is still a great husband. He always ALWAYS wakes up in a good mood, he likes to cuddle, he makes up silly/funny/corny words to songs, he sings them for me, he dances around, smiles, pays attention to me, makes an effort to do nice things, calls frequently when he is away, he looks after me. Like really looks after me. He makes me laugh, -shit I'm not doing any justice to how wonderful he is with this entry- he makes me stronger, makes me a better person. He didn't use to be like this though. There was a time when he was a bit hmm, well, less of all these things. But he has grown into it incredibly well

New Husband, New Continent, New Language, New Job

2006-08-31T22:07:00.001+01:00

In less than 6 months, I have managed to experience three out of the ten most stressful situations a human being can go through. Truthfully, marriage for me has been quite alright (yes fights, yes difficult bits but come on we just moved to another country), I guess it has to do with the fact that I lived with my now husband for 4 years before doing it. Moving to London, has also been an incredible experience for me. I have tried to enjoy it as much as I can, and I have had lots of downs, but they have been due to the fact that I didn´t find a job and money was budgeted. Anyway, my very supportive husband was behind me in those difficult times, and I sort of developed a denial -and unfortunate comfort eating- mechanism to cope with the whole experience. However, a new job is a whole different thing. You can't just sit there and evade the fact that you´re doing something hard. You have to get on with it and face it. Also, I need to lose these 10 pounds.

Normally, a new job comes with a wonderful sense of hope, the eagerness and excitement of starting something is thrilling. In all my other jobs I returned home happy, thinking my days had gone "great". I threw myself into my days trying to make the most out of these first few weeks where you don´t yet know about all the problems, you are not responsible for anything, you are blissfuly ignorant. On those first days, your biggest concern is locating the good cofee stash and trying to remember everybody's name. This experience has been so different for me. And it's not because my co-workers haven't been nice or patient, or because I don´t yet have a desk or a computer, or because I spend the first half hour staring into space wondering how to make myself proactive. It's definitely not because nobody here wears nametags, and I haven´t been able to feel comfortable enough to make myself a cup of coffe. It's not even because I got lost today when delivering some samples and sort of felt I had screwed up. It is because at the end of the first day, I didn't want to talk about it. It's because for two days people stopped to ask if I was alright. For two days, I didn´t feel hopeful, or blissful or eager. For two days I didn't feel anything. I went into this really weird shock, in which I guess my mind was returning to my body and facing the fact of all that´s happened in less than 6 months. And my face showed it. And I looked terrified. I don't usually get scared of much. Okay, I do get scared of many things but I have never let them stop me. I plunge into difficult situations figuring the fear will go away eventually. It still hasn't dawned on me. I have yet quite some way to go, and I wish I could tell my boss (who I'm sure is regretting hiring me) that I am a great employee. That I can take my share of the workload, and that there is going to be a day when I will be a good part of this great team. But I can only tell her by showing her, and I just yet can't do it because I am incomplete. That strong, determined, passionate, fearless girl she interviewed is collecting all her . But she`s getting there. And it´s going to be great.

#3 Walking

2006-08-05T16:48:00.001+01:00

I love to walk. When I lived with my mom, there was a nice pathway where you could walk along a line of trees, and there was people walking their dogs, and joggers going by and kids riding their bikes. I loved to walk, and often took afternoon strolls just letting my thoughts regroup and feeling relaxed.

Walking is very good for you. It tones your legs and bum, and if you do it long enough it increases your metabolic rate, and helps burn the nasty fat that seems impossible to get rid of. I think walking is classified as one of the best exercises one can do, and you don’t really need anything but a comfy pair of shoes to do it.

With good shoes, I can walk a quite a few hours without noticing. I have a daily 15 minute walk to the train station, and then another 15 to my job. I actually enjoy it. When I am walking, my mind just wonders away. I order my thoughts, think about the good things I have, the thinsg I can do in the future, do mental rants, and generally just let my mind organize my thoughts. I also love looking at the people and the things in the street, I often wonder about them, if they are happy, if they are going somewhere interesting, what are they thinking about? Of course, I love walking with my husband. I love holding his warm hand and listening to his happy voice. I love how he always walks on the oustide of the sidewalk, so that I feel protected and safe. It amazes me that he watches out for people who are trying to go around us, and gets out of their way, because when I am walking out all alone, I am so enthralled in my own little world, that I barely notice them.

One of the things we enjoy the most about this city, so far, is the fact that it is very much designed for walking. There are even podcasts you can download that tour you through everywhere. There are huge parks, sidewalks are smooth, and thhe very best part: the Thames Path. You can actually walk besides most of the river, looking at the old fashioned boats, noticing when the tide rises, and laughing at the gulls fight for their spot on abandoned docks. It’s a wonderful feeling, the wind on your face (or on your whole body with this unpredictable weather) just looking out at the endless sky. I love the long walk to the small cafes, avoiding cyclists and joggers, and just minding my own business. Walking relaxes me.

Even at my other job, I would always rather go to any of my co-worker’s cubicle instead of calling if I needed something. I would always volunteer to walk somewhere near when I didn`t fit in the car.I liked walking to the warehouse, looking at the products, and when I have been a gym member, I spend hours on the treadmill. Because of this, everybody just looks at me as if I were insane, but that’s me, I’ve always liked to do things that nobody understands.

# 2 Clean Flat

2006-07-30T15:53:00.000+01:00

I love the way my home feels after it has been cleaned. There are two wonderful feelings of cleanliness that just make me feel good. One is the feeling you get when you left your flat/apartment/house really messy, and you return to find it clean. I feels extra good when the person who cleans it did it because they wanted to do something nice for you, but that, that... relief you feel to see it clean, that feeling of aaaahhh, that clean smell, that air. There is something in the air, in the environment that exudes happiness. It sort of invites you to relax, to let go. The other great feeling -perhaps even a better feeling if I dare say- is the feeling you get after you personally cleaned the place. It feels extra good if all the people who live in the place did it together. I love team work, and to me, this after-clean home feeling is one of the best team works ever. I think its because everybody is chipping in to do something that no one really likes.

I don´t think I can describe the opennes, the internal peace it makes me feel. When my flat is clean, I feel that it sort of connects better with me, it feels right, as if it were a part of me that I had neglected and now we have made up and everything is all right again.

#1 COFFEE

2006-07-21T22:53:00.000+01:00

Maybe if I write a post about say, 100 things I like, Ill find myself in some of them. So here goes:

#1 COFFEE

I am not making coffeee the number one position because it is the number one thing I like in life. I am doing it because it is usually the first lucid thing I think of in the morning -right after "shit, its morning already?", "stupid alarm", "why cant minutes last hours", etc. When I was a kid, I cajoled my brain to give up already and get out of bed, by promising myself I would take a nap after school. I would tell my mind "I know you dont want to get up now, but if we do, I promise well have a long nap the minute we get home. That´s not so bad is it?" "Now, get up!" However, a nap after a work day is completely impossible, specially because by the time I can make it to bed, it is already time to actually sleep, and my mind just doesn´t buy into that (I know, I´m smart sometimes). I had to come up for a nap substitute, so coffee is something I promise myself so I stop moaning and start my day. It gives me something to look forward to.

The first time I took a cup of coffee with the purpose of waking me up in the morning , was in university. It was only about 8 in the morning, but no matter how many naps Id promised myself, how long I had stayed in the shower, or how wet my hair was, I was just not feeling awake. Someone suggested coffee so I got some change from my backpack, and marched right up to the least scary coffee machine. I guess you could tell that I had no idea of what to get, and that I was about to collapse into a sleep-induced comma, because the girl behind me said "if you need to wake up, E4* is the way to go". "Dont forget the asterisk cause thats what does the magic" Plunk, went my coins into the slot. Plop, slurrrr, swissshh went the machine.Tadadadaaa went my brain while I waited, because, WTF? the thing takes forever to do its business. Finally badaboom, I had cheap instant capuccino with an asterisk and slurp, I was immediately awake and chipper. It was the beginning of a new, exciting, and unfortunately short affair, due to the fact that 3 months later, the Administration office decided the coffee was too cheap, and if wee needed it so bad, we could very well walk the half mile to the cafeteria and pay Starbucks prices for one.

For some reason, coffee makes my mornings special. Its comforting on cold mornings, it makes my breakfast feel sort of grown up, and, I don´t know, It kind of keeps me company in some awkward situations (It doesn´t matter that I am new at this job, or that everybody is glancing at me, because I am very busy standing here sipping my coffee). Over the years I have learned to love appreciate coffee, not only by its caffeine contents but also by its wonderful aroma and taste. It mirrors and compliments lots of flavours, finishes off a wonderful meal, and works as a wonderful excuse to meet up with friends. Ooooh coffee I definitely love you so!

P.S. After re reading this post, I have actually learned something about myself: I need something comforting and promising to start my days. Therefore I am ending it with a note to my wonderful husband:

Honey, I know you love mornings and feel cheerful and happy the very instant you open your eyes. I love that about you, and envy you a little bit sometimes. However, -contrary to what one would think- a person who hates mornings does not cheer up after listening to the (undoubtedlly cute and well-intended, wonderful lovely) high-pitched-ear-splitting-shoulder-tensing-shrill-voiced adult version of the song for "Doodle-do" (or any song in that voice for that matter). Nor does she appreciate being left alone under the false premise that she is in a bad mood. What that person needs is something to look forward to. I give myself coffee. I bet we can think of millions of things to make me look forward to, and I bet after that, I will be the one to start making up words to childish songs.

Lost and found

2006-07-09T23:26:00.000+01:00

I have been feeling quite lost recently. I have endlessly wondered, how it is that one can lose oneself so easily, so inadvertently? One day you get up, and find that you are simply not there anymore. Where the hell did I go? More importantly, uh, how do I go on about finding myself again? This lost thing? Frankly? It sucks. I want myself back, and I want her NOW.

It doesn't work that way. I am not under the couch, or in the back of my closet. I didn't get accidentally thrown out with the trash, and I am most definitely not suffocating in the vacuum cleaner bag. What's going on then? I think I figured it out. Somehow, somewhere I have stopped being creative. I cant even think of a comeback for one of my husbands remarks. I don't know how it happened but I am fed up with it.

Everybody needs to be creative. Creativity is how you discover yourself, how you decide to deal with life. You don't have to have a job in advertising for this. You don't have to be a painter, or a songwriter. Creativity is everywhere. Its in the way you play with your kids, and in the answers you give your boss. Its in the way you dress, the way you manage your budget, the route you take home, the haircut you get. Your don't have to be weird or funky to be creative. You just have to be yourself. You have to find a way to express yourself. And that is what my blogging attempts. I want it to be some sort of mental exercise for creativity. Who knows? Maybe I'm hiding behind a photo essay. Or a traffic rant. Or a contradiction.